I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
