Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
