he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
