Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
