So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
