i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
me + whiskey = a bad person
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
