Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
