Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
