i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
