How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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