Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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