Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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