she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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