I am spending my child support on dildos
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
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