Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
