I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize