Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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