I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
