there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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