After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You did what with his pubic hair?
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