i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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