nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
pop tarts are not kleenex
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
