My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
