Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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