Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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