i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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