i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
