it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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