I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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