You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize