just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
