laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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