Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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