After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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