the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
