I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
