if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize