The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
