Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Even my vagina gasped.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
