instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
