and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
