I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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