I wanna bring you to show and tell
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
