You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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