I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
