he thought i was a dude.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
