Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
