I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
