I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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