Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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