my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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