i just wanna soil my oats bro
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
