grandma shit on top of the toilet
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I am spending my child support on dildos
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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