turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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