Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
