Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
