I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
