So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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